Weird...

When I was in primary school, I had this really psychotic desire to see young children being abused. Don't ask me, I don't know why either. To put it more aptly, inflicting the abuse upon them myself would make me even more excited.

Curiousity, I guess. I wanted to know exactly how they will react to the assault. I would try to run mental images of how it happens in my mind over and over. Nah, I don't just imagine it on just anyone but really adorable kids. Pretty maniacal, I would say *dry laugh*.

This weird habit stretched itself well into my teens. Well, at least I know I'm abnormal. Unlike those GENUINELY crazy people who think they're normal. But I guess it's all the same in those so-called normal people's minds anyway. So we'll just leave it at that.

Somewhere in the middle, my baby brother came into the picture. He used to be such a cute little toddler! He actually looked a bit mat salleh when he was younger. But geez, how he grew up to be such a brat is really beyond me.

And yeah, I have imagined myself inflicting cruel deeds on him. However, with what little of my sanity left, I was able to control myself into keeping the imagination as what it is and never lead it into reality. Gotta keep your fantasy and reality worlds apart. That's very important.

But I really feel sorry for my bro cos he is affected by hyperactivity. He can't concentrate so although he's already 15 years old, his mental knowledge is still like a 10-year-old because he couldn't learn anything in school. And fuck those so-called teachers who only care for good students and turn the other way when they encounter a weak one. All they could suggest was asking my parents to change him to another school..and another...and another...

It's just their way of trying to save their sorry little asses from getting involved in a difficult teaching position. Yeah, they're teachers all right! They teach of how to mind only your own business and let the weak die away as far as they can.

Deviation.

Heck, I'm no better. I would yell at my little bro when I really couldn't stand him and beat him with rotan sometimes. But not too hard, of course. I wouldn't want him to get injured, will get a good bashing from my parents as well.

Gotta understand this, I was a hotheaded teenager stuck with a kid brother who became the main barrier between me and my social life. I would have been ok if he didn't come disturbing me.

I always felt remorseful after shouting and hitting him with the rotan. Then I would try to talk some sense into him as gently as I could. He never learnt.

Fortunately, he's older and wiser now, albeit still a bit irritating sometimes. But we seldom meet because I'm too lazy 2 get my ass down to JB, so we are definitely on better terms now. Age really does make a person better (some people anyway). I can better suppress my anger now, so no more of those yelling matches.

And oh, about the physical abuse story I started with, I don't have that anymore. I think I'm becoming an empty shell as the years advance.

Which is worse?

Being a psycho or an empty shell?