Hello..?

Life sucks.

Tomorrow is national holiday and I ain't got anything planned. No one wants to talk to me on MSN either. Either that or people who can talk are all offline.

What is my life turning into?

Only fortunate thing is Shyan's coming over tonight.

Things are definitely not going my way these days. I'm turning into a grumpy old woman.
No hopes, no dreams, no life.

Need help.

I desperately need a shot of excitement in my life. But all I get is shit, shit and more shit.

Geez, geez...

Weird...

When I was in primary school, I had this really psychotic desire to see young children being abused. Don't ask me, I don't know why either. To put it more aptly, inflicting the abuse upon them myself would make me even more excited.

Curiousity, I guess. I wanted to know exactly how they will react to the assault. I would try to run mental images of how it happens in my mind over and over. Nah, I don't just imagine it on just anyone but really adorable kids. Pretty maniacal, I would say *dry laugh*.

This weird habit stretched itself well into my teens. Well, at least I know I'm abnormal. Unlike those GENUINELY crazy people who think they're normal. But I guess it's all the same in those so-called normal people's minds anyway. So we'll just leave it at that.

Somewhere in the middle, my baby brother came into the picture. He used to be such a cute little toddler! He actually looked a bit mat salleh when he was younger. But geez, how he grew up to be such a brat is really beyond me.

And yeah, I have imagined myself inflicting cruel deeds on him. However, with what little of my sanity left, I was able to control myself into keeping the imagination as what it is and never lead it into reality. Gotta keep your fantasy and reality worlds apart. That's very important.

But I really feel sorry for my bro cos he is affected by hyperactivity. He can't concentrate so although he's already 15 years old, his mental knowledge is still like a 10-year-old because he couldn't learn anything in school. And fuck those so-called teachers who only care for good students and turn the other way when they encounter a weak one. All they could suggest was asking my parents to change him to another school..and another...and another...

It's just their way of trying to save their sorry little asses from getting involved in a difficult teaching position. Yeah, they're teachers all right! They teach of how to mind only your own business and let the weak die away as far as they can.

Deviation.

Heck, I'm no better. I would yell at my little bro when I really couldn't stand him and beat him with rotan sometimes. But not too hard, of course. I wouldn't want him to get injured, will get a good bashing from my parents as well.

Gotta understand this, I was a hotheaded teenager stuck with a kid brother who became the main barrier between me and my social life. I would have been ok if he didn't come disturbing me.

I always felt remorseful after shouting and hitting him with the rotan. Then I would try to talk some sense into him as gently as I could. He never learnt.

Fortunately, he's older and wiser now, albeit still a bit irritating sometimes. But we seldom meet because I'm too lazy 2 get my ass down to JB, so we are definitely on better terms now. Age really does make a person better (some people anyway). I can better suppress my anger now, so no more of those yelling matches.

And oh, about the physical abuse story I started with, I don't have that anymore. I think I'm becoming an empty shell as the years advance.

Which is worse?

Being a psycho or an empty shell?

Gimme a chance, baby...

I don't think I'm given a chance this time, either.

Sent in the application last week, just one day before the closing date because it's been a long time since I last logged on to the SIA website. Daunted from my last attempt I guess.

So this time I just chucked everything in and pressed the send button.

Whatever comes, comes.

I think I'm disappointed once again. What exactly went wrong? Just what are they looking for? I dunno. Seems like nobody knows for sure, either.

Anyways, I didn't get my hopes up too high this time, in case I get rejected again. Guess I'm fine then.

Am doing overtime now in the office. Just wrapped up everything. Will have to tie up the loose ends tomorrow then.

Spent a fraction of my time uploading my photos for Emirates and checking through my application to make sure everything is correct.

Crossing my fingers. But try not to get too excited. Mind you, I'm good at that.

If it fails this time again, I'll keep on trying until I simply don't give a fucking damn anymore.

Better than not trying at all.

Fools...

Sometimes I put myself in situations that embarass myself. This time is no difference.

Why don't I ever learn? Blame it on my ever-optimistic character.
They say fools never learn. Guess I'm a fool then.

Cheers to all the fools in the world!

You might not know who you are, or you don't wanna know, or you don't know yet. Cheers, anyway.

They also say fools never get flu. Therefore, we are safe during SARS, people.

Bloody invasion

I consider blood is organic (it is, right??). Pardon me but I flunked my Physics and Chemistry back in high school. My Biology was average, though. Okay, anyway, as you can tell, I'm no rocket scientist.

Okay, so blood is organic. In Islam (I dunno about other religions, pardon my ignorance), menses blood is seen as dirty and unpure. Well, probably because it's something unwanted purged out by the body. Therefore, Muslim women who are menstruating can't get anywhere near the mosque and they can't fast (they're losing blood already, if they fast, they're seriously gonna die, if you ask me). If you think about it, it's correct, nothing wrong with that.

But they have another rule - women are required to thoroughly wash their sanitary pads clean before they dispose of it. Now I find that rather incredulous. But who am I to criticize. I'm not here to criticize on sensitive issues like that, don't worry. Just want you to know that my follwing idea stems from this particular rule.

Again, blood is organic (okok stop finding used bloody pads to throw at me). A saying came to me quite naturally.

Earth to Earth, Dust to Dust.

Shouldn't we return organic stuff back to the Earth? No, I'm not a Greenpeace or WWF member, in case you're wondering. I might see people burning down forests and think,"Ooh, that's insane", and see poachers cutting tusks from still-breathing elephants and go,"Geez, that's cruel", but I'm not so noble and environmental-savvy that I would go supporting those cause by joining them.

K, I'm deviating, sorry.

I was thinking, who knows, maybe those menses blood that they scrub off so slaverishly every month might be loaded with nutrients (not yet scientifically-proven but think about it, possible, right?). If so, maybe we can use it as fertilizer then? Again, the saying can be aptly utilized here. We will be literally doing just that!

My friend suggested I should actually get a patent for that. Hmmm...maybe I shouldn't have blogged it in case someone else steals my idea? OK, I shall think about it then.

However, as always, my smart little brain was working overtime to come up with innovative ideas that will benefit mankind in the times to come. Images came swarming.

Imagine putting your wife's used sanitary pads at the base of your potted plants every month. Of course there will be a fishy smell! But your plants will grow up strong and beautiful and your garden will be the envy of your neighbourhood! Think about it! And of course your wife's supply's not gonna satisfy all your plants' needs. Yeah, I understand you love gardening. Well, go ahead and get supplies from your mother (if she hasn't hit menopause), daughters, sisters (but maybe their partners have lush gardens too).

Sooner or later, everyone will wanna know about your gardening secrets and you would have to spill the beans at the end of the day. But as more and more people know about it, demand will override supply.

Therefore, factories will be built and multinational conglomerates like P&G would wanna go into this most lucrative business of the century. After all, the manufacturing costs is next to nothing. These factories will hire any women who menstruate as their raw material provider.

Now, this will create a damn lot of work opportunities in the world. Students can work part-time and they merely need to keep all their used pads and send them to the factory to earn extra income. Female beggars will use their begged money to buy pads to store their supplies and send them to the factories later. In short, used pads will become a valuable asset. And women won't feel so stressed during that time of the month anymore since they benefit from it.

Eventually, business would be so good you will see whole fleets transferring the finished product and distributing them all over the world. Can you imagine that? Glorious!

As a good innovator, I have to analyze the pros as well as the cons.

What if plants get too accustomed to the taste of blood? Do you get what I mean? They might evolve into vampire plants! Mutation!

Like the kera sumbang (did I get that right?) in Sabah. They capture insects using their cup-shaped thingy and digest the insects with acids.

Do you remember during science class the teacher talked about how plants will move towards their source of nutritions like sunlight and water? Their stems will grow and climb to reach it. What if the plants start devouring humans?

Now think Little House of Horrors.

See, I'm taking the welfare of human beings into consideration as well.

Naw, I don't think I will apply for that patent, Hui Yee. I'll think of something better next time.

I Ain't No 2nd Class Yo!

The other day, I was going home from work by LRT as usual and an incident happened that reminded me of the infamous Malaysian culture.

As usual, the trains were all packed during rush hour. A Malay guy was standing near the door and there was still some loose space behind him. He could have backed a little to make room for me if he wanted. However, he just stood there holding onto the hand strap overhead and didn't budge an inch. I thought, "Oh well, I'll wait for the next train then," since I wasn't rushing for anything.

Seconds before the door closed, a geeky but smiley and skinny plus not-so-tall Mat Salleh came by and spoke in Malay, "Boleh masuk?". His pronunciation was impeccable.

Well, all of us were duely entertained. It even drew a curve up the lips of some of the passengers while I was stifling a giggle myself.

Immediately, the guy who was too lazy to budge backed away and made a nice little space for the Mat Salleh. I was the only one left outside the door. Heck, seemed like I was being ostracized. One of the female passengers looked at me.

Geez, I was thinking, "And here it is - the Western-worship behaviour of Malaysians rearing its ugly head."

I felt like a second-class citizen in my own country! Funny!

Or was it because the Mat Salleh could integrate himself into our culture and language that they treated him differently? I really dunno.

Talk about double standards.

Family vs Work

I know I'm a rather selfish person.

But when it comes to family, I would try to be obliging even though I don't really feel like doing certain things that I'm required to do. Sometimes things are beyond my control because I have other obligations, say, work.

Unfortunately, my mother can't seem to understand this.

She came to live with me in KL in July for a month. She was here to sell her homemade ointments. I feel sorry, actually, that I as a daughter, can't provide her with a more comfortable life.

During that period, I had a strong feeling that my life was being interrupted in an unbearable way. I was being selfish. Perhaps I've been living on my own for too long now. I've had the freedom for too long that a motherly visit from home makes me feel like my privacy is being compromised.

Anyway, she was here to take care of the land grant of my partially-mentally-disabled uncle's house in Kajang as well. Yeah, my other relatives on my mother's side were all useless as hell. Even though they are staying right here, nobody gives a damn about it. They could have helped with just a turn of their hands. One of them even works near the Kajang Land Office, for God's sake!

My mother can't really speak Malay nor English. Therefore, she needed someone to go with her to the Malay-infested office. She didn't tell me about it. After introducing herself to my housemates, she asked the friend of one of my housemates to accompany her to Kajang the next day. The friend was staying at our house at the time because he was looking for a job in KL (he's from Sabah and he's still looking for a job).

Thing is, I barely knew this guy.

I was rather indignant when I heard of this. I accused my mother of trying to ruin my social life. Well, imagine your mom asking a someone you barely know to go all the way from KL to Kajang with her, what will that person think? Moreover, he's my housemate's friend. What will my housemate think?

My mom simply replied that he could have said no if he didn't want to go, and she was certain he wouldn't hold it against an old lady like her. I reminded her that she was putting the guy in a difficult situation to reject her. See, if you are in the guy's shoes, would you have the heart to say no to an old woman even if you don't really wanna go? That's an invasion into the life of a person who has absolutely nothing to do with us.

Mom answered the guy had nothing to do anyway since he hasn't found a job yet and he had no interview that day. I retorted that the guy might have other plans for himself, maybe something he enjoys doing like playing computer games at the net cafe. Whatever it is, he had no obligations to help us.

I wouldn't mind if it were just a small favour. But going all the way to Kajang sounds like a huge one to me.

Coincidentally, I had nothing much on my hands at work at that time. Therefore, I told her I would try to apply leave in the next couple of days.

Luckily, my application was approved.


* * *

On Monday, I received a call from the land officer informing me to go get the grant that we applied for. I told mom about it and she hoped I could go with her too this time.

But I'm chock-full of work this weeks so I said I can't make it this time. Moreover, the grant is ready so I thought there isn't much that needed to be done. I advised her to go with one of my cousins here in KL. She promised she would.

Then this morning she called up again asking me to go with her next Monday. She didn't ask the cousin for some reasons I can't state here. I told her I can't, my work might stretch well into the middle of next week. By now I was getting really frustrated.

I told her to stop forcing me. I have to work too. I have my own life.

"How can you say that? You're not helping anyone else but your mom," she said.

That did it. I was in the office, my boss was talking to my AD next ot me and it took all my self-discipline not to lose control.

"Of course I would want to help you finish that up too but at this point in time, I really can't!" I said.

We talked a bit more and ended the conversation.

After a few minutes, feeling guilty, I called her up and said, in a calmer tone that I couldn't make it next Monday. If she wants me to go, just come to KL first and wait till I am more available. She said she called up the officer and probably like I said, there's not much to do. But she's just worried because she couldn't speak Malay.

In the end, we agreed play it by the ear.


* * *

I really feel like I'm being pulled in different directions here. Work and family. But the situation could have been drastically different, if only she would ask one of the relatives for help. Ok, I know they're all useless as shit but coulda try, at least. I could help her too, if only she gave me time to settle my work.

I feel so guilty but at the same time angry for all that had happened.

King of Fruits

Can you believe it...I actually opened a durian last night by myself!

No, make it two.

Haha, I've never done that before and since my housemate, Jane, brought lotsa durians, mangosteens and rambutans from home (I think her family has a fruit orchard back home), I just thought I would give it a try. Moreover, I waited and waited but no one else came home so I just dug in first.

Gotten quite a few wounds on my right palm now. There were two that drew blood last night and one that seemingly came out of nowhere.

It was fun opening a durian. Hah, now I can brag to my friends I opened one! Yeah I know I'm silly, so be it.

Only thing was I had to eat the durians alone. I called Lih Lin but she couldn't come last night so I saved some for her to take home tonight.

If Shyan was there, he would definitely cover his nose and say the durian is smelly! Haha!

Here it comes again

It comes in a sudden realization of horror.

Sometimes you don't even notice until moments, or even, days later.

A stinging pain follows next.

Tiny cracks of red ooze from the skin, slowly spreading across the fine lines like river.

The red river will finally stop at some point, where the stream stops growing, unless you have a real deep one.



Paper cuts.



That's what I was babbling about.

It's quite a common sucker in my line of profession, where you are involved in the process of doing mock-ups of artworks when necessary.

It happened almost every day during my last job, whereby my company prints namecards, brochures, leaflets, etc. After I print, I was required to cut the print-outs into the intended size.

Imagine the cuts I got from those days. Every day.

Even if I was lucky enough to evade the ruthless attack of the modern papyrus, the blade would think of ways to come and get at me (my hands, to be more exact).

So it was quite common that when the cut wasn't too deep, I wouldn't even realize it until a few days later. I would wonder and instantly guess where I got that from.

I seldom get it on my current job, however.



Now fast forward back to the present, which was a few moments ago.

I was doing a mock-up for a client, therefore the usual cutting, pasting and folding.

After I cut off the excess paper, I pulled it away from underneath to be discarded into the wastebasket.

The edge slid across the flesh between my thumb and index finger.

No feeling of pain yet. But I was too experienced in this and was anticipating the subsequent sting.

Waited.

And waited.

Blood was spreading out. I sucked it.

Still no pain.

More blood.

Okay, I'm going to the sink to wash it. Just let me feel some pain so I know I'm still alive, ok?

Placed the affected area under running water.

Where is the pain?

Gradually, I could feel it coming from under my skin.

Damn.

I still have to finish the mock-up. Red stream was still spreading.
I tore a piece from the toilet roll and wedged it between my thumb and index.

Continued cutting and pasting.

Hate paper cuts.

Gila Monster

It's official.

I'm being deserted on MSN by my friends on August 4, 2006.

No one wanted to speak to me. And when they did, it was just a couple of hmmms and ahhhs. Or else it would be a question they wanted to ask me and after I answered them, they just vanished into thin air without bading me goodbye!

Hrrrmmmpphhh! Am I such a loser?

Yeah, I assume I am for blogging such nonsense.

It was a huge impact on my self-esteem, you know.

The confidence of an innocent little girl crushed at such a young age, what would become of her? Oh, poor darling!

Yeah yeah I know I'm being over-drama-queening here, I know.
Just bear with me for a while more before I wrap up with this mid-life crisis I'm going through ya.

I seriously think I'm going absolutely bonkers. Lately, I keep thinking that someone is having a crush on me. I don't know is it just all in my head or is it real. Geez, it's probably my imagination then.