I have just finished reading an ex-sec school mate's blog and somes thoughts immediately came to me. Well, 2nite is Xmas and she's stuck in her college dorm room with all the other Malaysian students because all the Americans had gone home (she's studying in the US). She had been boozing a little, too. That really surprises me. She used to look so angelic and nice, you know, the kinda girl whom you'd think can't have any faults or mistakes. But then again, maybe I shouldn't feel so surprised - I mean, she is human, after all. She has the right and freedom to express herself and her frustrations, for that matter.
I wasn't close to her in high school, although we were in the same sorority - PBSM (Red Crescent Society). She was the Sergeant Major and I was a Sergeant. I never did much, though. But she did quite a lot - she was an A-student with cute looks to match. She wasn't conceited or anything, instead, she was soft-spoken and really nice. Although she was quite studious, she had her fair share of admirers. Looking back, maybe I was a wee bit jealous of her. Gosh, I hate to use that word - JEALOUS. As much as I hated it, it was true, I guess. Some kinda sub-conscious thing so I didn't realize it then. Shame on me!
I don't know why I am talking about her. She had been on my mind for the past week after I spotted her in Friendster and then paid her blog an unexpected visit. The kinda life she leads studying in the US sounds like a whole new planet of experience to me, how I wish I could be like her. But of course, she had her fair share of downs there, too. When I told my boy about my envy, he said, "What good is there in envying others? Those things are not yours." True. I understand that very well.
That can be a great motivation in attaining my goal for a better life (not that my life is shit hole, it's quite good, actually, just not so...novel). But it also makes me think; even if I get to ownand appreciate the finer things in life later, the best time to enjoy things is actually during our teenage to young adult years. It's when we are young, energetic, adventurous and fun. To experience it with a bunch of good friends.
Over the years, I have come to realize that I am not a "friend" person. Friends around me can be really good but I am never too close to them. At the age of 21, I have a feeling I've not yet even experienced a real, deep, unconditional friendship. Pathetic. Sure, they help me sometimes, they listen occasionally, but some of them, those I deem to be closest to me, always fails me without any warning. As a result, I learn not to trust friends too much. Perhaps no one really cares about me, I am just one-sided in believing that they know me. No one does. My boy cares about me a lot, like no one would ever will. But even he does not understand me completely, how can you expect someone else to know you 100% ? I mean, even I can't do that!
Okay, I'm just drifting from one topic to another. Never mind. The other day, I sent a Friendster message to that ex-schoolmate and she didn't reply. Perhaps she hasn't liked me all along. I dunno. I feel so unworthy. I shouldn't dwell on that. At least people don't recoil in horror when they see me, although I know most of my ex-college mates should be quite intimidated bu me. Haha.
Well, I've got Shin Shyan. What more can I ask for? He's definitely the best thing that has happened to me! I love you, lao gong!
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