Christmas Eve...wish?

Please tell me I'm not insane.

Memories of him came in sudden surges that disrupt my sleep.

Remember 石头记 and the prelude entry right before it that I wrote in June 2006? I got so restless that I had to drag myself from the bed and sit in front of my laptop to read it.

I actually relished in the memory like it was the most exotic cuisine that I couldn't bear to finish. The last bite was excruciating. I would like to have another serving but having it again immediately steals away some of the tastes, if you know what I mean.

After a year, I still haven't changed.

In fact, I've always been like this since we parted. Whenever I'm alone at night, I would think about him. This obsession didn't just start a year ago but had always been there since the day he disappeared from my life. I don't see an end to it any time soon.

It's tormenting me, really. What did he say exactly at the pool? I wish I remember.

Maybe the reason I can't let it go is because I'm still expecting an answer from him. Well, not exactly expecting, since I didn't even ask him anything to begin with. I wish I had the courage to do so at the time, though. But I know no matter what happens, I would never do it. That's how much of a wimp I am.

It's been 10 years. Whenever he creeps into my mind, I would wonder if he still remembers me. If he still remembers the nerdy girl who always tried to oppose him. I don't even know if he knows my name. Well, I hope he does from the way Adlena and Linda had been calling me. But he never called any of us by our names so I simply can't be sure.

And I would wonder whether he thinks about me the way I think about him sometimes at night, which is quite unlikely *dry laugh*.

God, this is ridiculous and it's driving me crazy!

I keep guessing the reason behind everything he did and hoped I wasn't paranoid, that the truth will turn out to be what I want it to be.

I just need another meeting with him again. I swear if I ever run into him again, I'd call out his name even though I'm not sure whether or not he remembers me.

I'm not sure what I want from it but I would really wanna talk to him again.

It's probably wishful thinking on my side. After all, it's been ten long years. We may not realize it but we might have become extremely different from what we had known ourselves to be.

How I wish I could go back to that lazy afternoon in Adlena's house when we looked at each other across the fence.

Be careful what you wish for. So that was just a thought. I'm too selfish to give up everything to go back now.

But seeing and talking to him is on the top of my wishlist now.

Right now, I want it more than anything.