Friends...

I was looking through one of my friends' blog on Friendster the other day and checking out her photo album. Haven't seen her in a long time. So much had happened in her life and I wasn't there to witness or to share. Her pictures also told of many interesting stories she shared with another one of my long-time-no-see friends. I have lotsa friends like that, ya know. Lazy, after all.

I started to feel envious, and maybe a wee bit jealous as well. Jealousy - ugly emotion, hate that word. Anyways, I began to feel left out.

We used to be close, the three of us. We used to be roomates and neighbours in the hostel back in college. Those girls are real fun to have around. And yeah, we had the craziest times together. Hiding each other's clothes when the other was having a shower in the hostel's public washroom; disturbing and making noises when one was mugging for exams; singing beside the hostel bedroom window in the wee hours of the morning while cramming for major tests; being yelled at by other hostel mates for being to noisy during exam periods; laughing at people we scorn. You name it, we had done it all like loonies on the moon.

I could talk to them about anything. They never judged me. I don't remember a time that I was feeling sad or used when I was with them. Those were often what I felt from time to time when I'm with my other friends. We would babble away like we never missed a day in our lives without each other in it even though truth says otherwise. They were the best kind of friends I've come across in a long, long time. Probably there never will be others like them again in my life.

Therefore, I thought we would still be really close friends even if we don't meet that often. For a while, things stayed that way. They would still ask me out even if I don't do that and we still meet up, albeit in quite a long time. I don't blame them, they cared for me so they probably didn't wanna impose themselves on me because I was busy spending time with my boyfriend. He used to be away from me a lot - going back to hometown visiting his parents, studying in UK for three months, doing internship, blah blah blah...

Hence, every time he finds the time to be around, I tend to hang on to him like super glue. Thus, neglecting time with my friends, I guess. But these 2 friends of mine were very understanding, so I didn't think that was any problem at all.

However, gradually, I began to lose track of the topics they talked about. The places that they went together; new friends they made; bad habits one of them picked up; BGRs that were never meant to be; all those and more...further and further I drifted away from their world. I was optimistic,"As long as we are still friends, I'm happy," I thought.

That shouldn't be the case. How silly of me to take everything for granted. To take them for granted. I realize my inadequecy only now. Although they didn't say anything about it, I guess subconsciously they think I didn't care as much. But being the good old souls they are, they were still very endearing to me.

As I said, I was browsing through one of these wonderful girls' blog. It occurred to me I was the one constantly doing the taking and seldom the giving. All of a sudden, I felt ashamed despised myself for the things that I've done. They and I myself know I'm lazy to keep in touch with friends, but this time, I just might have gone overboard.

Feeling guilty, I wanted to make up for my past mistakes immediately. I know that takes time. But I couldn't wait. So I sms to each of them, saying we should probably go out together some time soon. One of them didn't reply, as with always. She seldom replies my sms, that woman. But I can assure you she's a good friend to have. And guess what, she has the very same surname as me! My surname is damn rare, ya know.

The other one called me and apologized for not having the time to see me for such a long time. Geez, I felt wretched, I was the one who should be sorry! She said she was busy with her finals and that she had finally graduated from these couple of hellish years in university. However, she'd just gone back to Kuching last Sunday. I was flabbergasted. I didn't even know that! And here she was in Kuching, probably for good. As much as I felt sorry, I felt hurt.

I guess the other girl would probably never reply my sms. Will this friendship of mine be gone with the wind?

Time will tell.

Serves me right for being so selfish and lazy.

Happy now, Old Man upstairs?